things that bum me out

hello everyone!

I haven't died, there's just been nothing going on in my life of any interest.

anyway, life has taken a particularly crap turn of events.

1. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere.
2. I'm already sick of all my friends who I couldn't wait to see.
3. never really got a job.
4. what little money I did make went to pay back my mom and college loans.
5. all my college classes will probably suck.
6. there's an extremely slim chance I'll get to see Motion City Soundtrack performing all four albums in LA. ( see lack of funding.)
7. and I'm just disinclined to give a fuck in general.

California just zaps me of a will to live. or maybe it's just central CA.

either way, do not want. at. all.

for my health

sometimes I really think I should stop drinking (mostly the morning after or when I'm drinking cheap beer) then I remember how much I love it. I don't like the taste very much, but I adore the feeling. it relaxes me, softens my edges, makes me comfortable in my own skin. so until my anxiety loosens up it's unlikely that I'll stop.

I have decided no more smoking though. (or at the very least become just an occasional smoker. a social smoker.) my lungs are tight and in pain, not the best of feelings for breathing. and I don't want to end up with some horrible disease.

my life is a complete and total clusterfuck right now.

so Saturday night, two of my friends (one of whom I've had a crush on for two years and the other just broke up with her boyfriend) almost hooked up. which you know sucks. to make shit even worse, Aryn (I don't give a fuck about name discloser here. No one really reads this.) is texting me on Sunday like "OMG what do I do?? I totally fucked up. blah dee blah blah". I'm trying to be nice and polite, trying not to scream and rage at her. and it was really difficult not to do so. especially because I kept dropping hints about how I liked him. they were pretty obvious hints and she still didn't get it.

at this point I'm also talking to my friend Kailey, who was there that night. she's completely on my side and starts bashing Aryn for being a total attention slut. which I completely agree with and it was nice to know it wasn't just me thinking that. and that she'll just be using Cody and Cody's just going to take advantage of her general sluttiness. so anyway Kailey accidentally tells Aryn I like Cody. Aryn then apologizes and tells Cody.

now I'm kind kind of freaking out just a little and annoyed that people are talking about stuff that shouldn't be theirs to tell. although I have to admit, I probably wouldn't have said anything anyway.

THEN Kailey tells me that Cody also liked me back in high school. alsdkfbjajdn. now I'm mad at myself for being to shy to ever say anything. but now he's confused, because he likes Aryn but he hasn't seen me in a year so he doesn't know if he still likes me or not.

at any rate he and Aryn have decided not to go out, out respect for my feelings. which I am both pleased for and slightly annoyed.

I don't know. there's just too much drama for me going on right now to handle. my mom thinks I should turn this into a novel or screenplay.

I've been neglecting this poor thing. Not that anyone reads it.

Still I feel kind of bad.

I'll work on it.