things that bum me out

hello everyone!

I haven't died, there's just been nothing going on in my life of any interest.

anyway, life has taken a particularly crap turn of events.

1. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere.
2. I'm already sick of all my friends who I couldn't wait to see.
3. never really got a job.
4. what little money I did make went to pay back my mom and college loans.
5. all my college classes will probably suck.
6. there's an extremely slim chance I'll get to see Motion City Soundtrack performing all four albums in LA. ( see lack of funding.)
7. and I'm just disinclined to give a fuck in general.

California just zaps me of a will to live. or maybe it's just central CA.

either way, do not want. at. all.

for my health

sometimes I really think I should stop drinking (mostly the morning after or when I'm drinking cheap beer) then I remember how much I love it. I don't like the taste very much, but I adore the feeling. it relaxes me, softens my edges, makes me comfortable in my own skin. so until my anxiety loosens up it's unlikely that I'll stop.

I have decided no more smoking though. (or at the very least become just an occasional smoker. a social smoker.) my lungs are tight and in pain, not the best of feelings for breathing. and I don't want to end up with some horrible disease.

my life is a complete and total clusterfuck right now.

so Saturday night, two of my friends (one of whom I've had a crush on for two years and the other just broke up with her boyfriend) almost hooked up. which you know sucks. to make shit even worse, Aryn (I don't give a fuck about name discloser here. No one really reads this.) is texting me on Sunday like "OMG what do I do?? I totally fucked up. blah dee blah blah". I'm trying to be nice and polite, trying not to scream and rage at her. and it was really difficult not to do so. especially because I kept dropping hints about how I liked him. they were pretty obvious hints and she still didn't get it.

at this point I'm also talking to my friend Kailey, who was there that night. she's completely on my side and starts bashing Aryn for being a total attention slut. which I completely agree with and it was nice to know it wasn't just me thinking that. and that she'll just be using Cody and Cody's just going to take advantage of her general sluttiness. so anyway Kailey accidentally tells Aryn I like Cody. Aryn then apologizes and tells Cody.

now I'm kind kind of freaking out just a little and annoyed that people are talking about stuff that shouldn't be theirs to tell. although I have to admit, I probably wouldn't have said anything anyway.

THEN Kailey tells me that Cody also liked me back in high school. alsdkfbjajdn. now I'm mad at myself for being to shy to ever say anything. but now he's confused, because he likes Aryn but he hasn't seen me in a year so he doesn't know if he still likes me or not.

at any rate he and Aryn have decided not to go out, out respect for my feelings. which I am both pleased for and slightly annoyed.

I don't know. there's just too much drama for me going on right now to handle. my mom thinks I should turn this into a novel or screenplay.

I've been neglecting this poor thing. Not that anyone reads it.

Still I feel kind of bad.

I'll work on it.

This is me right now

Finals.

The word that will send any student running towards the nearest thing they find comforting/relaxing. It's a time of great stress, especially us college students.

I could seriously not give a fuck about finals right now. I don't think I could give a fuck about anything at this point. That is the level of my apathy. I'm so stressed out my body has shut down and entered a stage of numbness.

I suppose part of the reason for this is I don't even know if I'm going to be able to return next semester. I still owe the school $4ooo, and I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. The school won't let me register for class until I have that money. And I can't call the financial office because every time I even think about calling them I go on the verge of a panic attack. I plan on just going to their office and waiting until someone sees me, but who knows how well that will work.

If I can't come back next semester it's bye Chicago and Columbia College, probably won't see you until I graduate from California community college. This is the worst case scenario because it basically means I'm a failure. And when only a handful of your graduating class moves out of town/state it just sort of magnifies the failure.

This was my dream and it's crashing down around me at the moment. I just hope it'll still be salvageable.

You want me to do what?

So I applied for this job about a month ago and I got it. Today was my first day, and I already want to quit. See here's the thing; the job I applied for was an office type job, cleaning things up, and organizing and the like. I found out today that I'll be working with kids and trying to convince more people to join. I'll basically be doing what my mom does.

This is stuff I cannot do. Mentally and physically it's difficult to the point of impossible. I don't like dealing with kids (no matter how much they like me) and talking to strangers, much less convincing them to do something, sends me into anxiety overdrive. And I'm already to anxious for my own good.

The lady who runs the place is super disorganized and thinks that vague instructions are enough. So when I ask questions she looks at me like she's pissed that I can't read her mind.

I just don't think I can work in that place, it's not for me. At the same time though, I really need a job. Ugh, I wish I just knew what to do.

Major, Major.

I've been giving some serious thought in regards to switching my major. Currently I'm a writing major and I hate it. I actually never thought I could hate it as much as I do. Which is a bummer to me because I really like writing.

But I'm not giving up on it entirely, I'm going to take a different writing class next semester an see how I feel about it. Not sure which one yet though since I'm not allowed to register yet. Angry face.

Anyway, I'm thinking I want to do something with music. Being in a band would be the highlight and the most awesome thing ever, but I'm okay with doing something else in the music field. I don't know. I hate choosing shit.

Experiments

So I thought I'd give having an actual blog another chance.

I mean I love my Tumblr and everything, but sometimes a real blog is necessary. We'll see how this goes.