This is me right now

Finals.

The word that will send any student running towards the nearest thing they find comforting/relaxing. It's a time of great stress, especially us college students.

I could seriously not give a fuck about finals right now. I don't think I could give a fuck about anything at this point. That is the level of my apathy. I'm so stressed out my body has shut down and entered a stage of numbness.

I suppose part of the reason for this is I don't even know if I'm going to be able to return next semester. I still owe the school $4ooo, and I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. The school won't let me register for class until I have that money. And I can't call the financial office because every time I even think about calling them I go on the verge of a panic attack. I plan on just going to their office and waiting until someone sees me, but who knows how well that will work.

If I can't come back next semester it's bye Chicago and Columbia College, probably won't see you until I graduate from California community college. This is the worst case scenario because it basically means I'm a failure. And when only a handful of your graduating class moves out of town/state it just sort of magnifies the failure.

This was my dream and it's crashing down around me at the moment. I just hope it'll still be salvageable.

You want me to do what?

So I applied for this job about a month ago and I got it. Today was my first day, and I already want to quit. See here's the thing; the job I applied for was an office type job, cleaning things up, and organizing and the like. I found out today that I'll be working with kids and trying to convince more people to join. I'll basically be doing what my mom does.

This is stuff I cannot do. Mentally and physically it's difficult to the point of impossible. I don't like dealing with kids (no matter how much they like me) and talking to strangers, much less convincing them to do something, sends me into anxiety overdrive. And I'm already to anxious for my own good.

The lady who runs the place is super disorganized and thinks that vague instructions are enough. So when I ask questions she looks at me like she's pissed that I can't read her mind.

I just don't think I can work in that place, it's not for me. At the same time though, I really need a job. Ugh, I wish I just knew what to do.

Major, Major.

I've been giving some serious thought in regards to switching my major. Currently I'm a writing major and I hate it. I actually never thought I could hate it as much as I do. Which is a bummer to me because I really like writing.

But I'm not giving up on it entirely, I'm going to take a different writing class next semester an see how I feel about it. Not sure which one yet though since I'm not allowed to register yet. Angry face.

Anyway, I'm thinking I want to do something with music. Being in a band would be the highlight and the most awesome thing ever, but I'm okay with doing something else in the music field. I don't know. I hate choosing shit.

Experiments

So I thought I'd give having an actual blog another chance.

I mean I love my Tumblr and everything, but sometimes a real blog is necessary. We'll see how this goes.